As I walked through my gardens in the Spring of 2012, I noticed the magnificence of my Bleeding Heart plant. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I had never taken the time to admire the beauty it displayed. Its gentle curves and soft, delicate colors and petals were a beauty to behold. There was a reason I stopped to admire the loveliness of this plant. At the time, that reason was unknown to me. Bit by bit, Spring morphed into Summer. The once brilliant Bleeding Heart began to shrivel up. Its flowers were no longer radiating its once charming beauty. Its leaves becoming crisp and falling to the ground. Its growing season was ending. To me, it was a sign of a much-needed new beginning.
Making the decision to stop treatment for Chronic Lyme Disease, Co-Infections and Primary Immunodeficiency in Mid-Summer of 2012 was strenuous. It was a very difficult decision for me to make. My support system was concerned. By stopping treatment how would that affect my future here on Earth? The decision weighed heavily on me. Do I continue treatment to appease my Family or discontinue to give my own body a break? It was not only my body that could not handle the treatment, but my emotional well being was deteriorating as well. I was now searching for quality of life. Being on extensive treatment for this long period of time was not allowing me the quality of life I so missed and desired.
I yearned to spend my time back in the gardens. Playing in the dirt. Enjoying and lavishing up the intimate hours I spent tending the greenery and radiant colors like I had done in my past. I was tired and frail while on treatment. I could not physically care for God’s acres of beauty. My husband took over the tedious job of expanding and planting our vegetable garden. Watching him, I could tell it was a welcome distraction from the normalcy’s of his current life. Every evening after work, he would admire his hard work as seedlings began sprouting from the ground, eventually producing fresh vegetables we devoured for months on end.
Before I finalized my decision to stop all treatment, I thought it best to visit one of my doctors to discuss the matter. He walked in the room and abruptly asked me, “Debbie, what do you want in your life?” I sat there a moment. Looking up at him with tears in my eyes I responded, “I just want my quality of life back. I cannot handle this harsh treatment. This is not the way I want to live.” He calmly looked at me with a soft smile responding, “Very good. Then that is what we will shoot for.” He suggested going for acupuncture once a week to see if that would help minimize my migraines and chronic pain. Specialized massage therapy was to continue as well as counseling to help me deal with my Chronic Pain.
It wasn’t long after discontinuing my treatment and beginning acupuncture and specialized massage therapy that my quality of life improved. To this day, I do not know if I was actually in remission or if the break of all the treatment was a welcome change that brought about a newness to my life. I still woke with my daily migraines. I still experienced debilitating pain. However, other symptoms were slowly subsiding. I gradually began venturing outside more. Each day I would take baby steps to embrace every new sunrise with a smile.
Several people as well as my doctors recommended various acupuncturists. However, I decided to see the acupuncturist my neighbor had been to and highly recommended. Practice Longevity Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. Dealing specifically with Chronic Illnesses, Acute and Chronic Pain as well as Mental and Emotional Health. I thought this a perfect choice. After all the various treatments I had been through and needles poking and prodding me, I was not at all anxious about my first experience with acupuncture.
The acupuncturist walked in the room. A quiet, gentle, kind spirited man. I was comforted immediately. He sat down and spent the next 30 minutes discussing my health issues and the procedure to follow. Before inserting the needles, he warned me I might experience a slight sensation as the needle went in. He was done inserting all the needles before I ever realized he had started.
Acupuncture has been one of my saving graces. It helps alleviate my pain almost instantaneously. My only wish is to be able to have the procedure done more often than once a week. My acupuncturist also has a class he teaches called Rooted in Mindfulness. ”When we live a life that is ‘Rooted In Mindfulness’, we live with a greater sense of balance, meaning, and joy.” It is a wonderful class helping people relax and live in the present moment. He suggested I attend; believing it would be an added benefit to my treatment and also reassuring me the class was funded strictly by donations. A pleasant surprise as the cost of other treatments were quickly emptying our bank accounts.
In Mid October, 2012 my remission had ended. I felt like an icicle slowly melting away on a sunny winter day. My depression came back, however, I did not let anyone know about it. My severe all over body pain increased without anything being able to subside or decrease it. My migraines were a continual squeezing of my head ready to explode at any instant. Nauseousness was an everyday occasion. After putting on a few pounds during late Summer and early Fall, I now began to lose that weight. The thought of food made me ill. The smell of food soured my stomach. I had to force myself to eat again. Several weeks had passed. I had spent those weeks in solitude, crying and begging for this not to be happening again. As the evenings filled our house with people, I straightened up as if nothing was wrong. However, my swollen red eyes could not hide my pain. Eventually, it was time to break the news to my family. Not surprisingly, they had already known. They were simply waiting for me to accept the fact that I was out of remission.
I embraced every good day I had during that time of remission. I lived it to its fullest. What a grand gift it was to be alive and living life with such passion again. I cannot curse the turn of actions. I knew it was inevitable. Now I am faced with new challenges. There are decisions to be made. Would I go back on my word and restart treatment knowing how horrible it made me feel? Would I forego the treatment and find a doctor to treat my pain so I could live the quality of life I once knew? Still undecided, I am getting closer to my answer.
